Eighty percent of success is showing up.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I am at two with nature.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone you love.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good empty experience.

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.

I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I took a course in speed reading learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?A. Yes, for twenty-four hours I refused to eat grapes.

My brain - it's my second favorite organ.

Being bisexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night.

I was thrown out of there during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.